eirian84's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Worried So, I'm back. I'm d/ling stuff, so I'm not really doing much at the moment. Just thinking. And I had a disquieting thought. I'm glad Kim hasn't gotten around to reading this, and... I'm actually sort of hoping she doesn't see this. I want to bring this up w/ her, but even though I know she'll listen to me and take my concern seriously, I also know she's gonna end up doing what she wants to, regardless. Which is understandable, really; I mean, how many relationships have I been in? 1. How long did it last? 8 months. I was thinking about her last long-term relationship (also her first, since it lasted longer than a month). When we were 16, Kim met Dylan, who's a year older than us. She really liked him, and he was nice. I really liked him. God, he was funny. I'd go to Lincoln & hang out w/ them and my cheeks would cramp up from grinning and laughing so much. Seriously. Have you ever had cheek cramps? They hurt! So, Kim dated Dylan for 4 years. I do remember they "broke up" twice, but it was more of a separation type thing. The first time, they just stopped living out of each other's pockets. The second time, they started just hanging out as friends, and sort of built the relationship back up around that, but again, it had to do w/ the fact they spent so much time w/ each other. Then, she calls me one day and says, "I broke up with Dylan." Of course, my reaction is, "Again?" She says, "Yeah, I know, but this time, it's over. & I've got a different boyfriend." Well, that's not quite how it went, but I can't actually remember the conversation. Just the gist of it. She met Chris while she was working at the University, while she was still dating Dylan (who also worked @ the University). She told me the story, but I don't remember it very well. But they pretty much just clicked right away, and did that sort of teasing/flirting thing that I'm so bad at. Kim was fed up with Dylan smoking pot (which is understandable), and being so controlling of her (which was the first I'd heard, actually, but anyway.). I remember, when she told me, it was warm out, & I took the cordless outside to talk, so Mom wouldn't hear. I was barefoot, and went walking in the backyard & sat in front of the shed, and it was getting close to dusk, and it was so pretty and serene outside. It was the first time we'd talked in a while, and I was enjoying finally having a landline phone again. I remember how crystalline everything outside was, it must have been end of July, with emerald green grass and powder blue sky. She told me Chris was Lutheran, and she'd never date a Catholic boy again. She was raised Lutheran (as much as she was raised as any denomination), but not his Lutheran. He's actually a minister (or preacher - is there a difference in Lutheran?)'s son, & wants to be the same himself some day. He's very laid back and down-to-earth, not some Bible-banger or anything. He lives in the real world, but he still is religious in a nice way. I really like him, and he seems to really, genuinely care about Kim. (Loving her and caring about her aren't quite the same. Caring about her, for some reason, seems more long-term than loving her. Maybe my jaded-ness is showing?) So, she and Chris were planning on getting engaged. I agree with my Mom that they might as well say they're engaged, instead of saying they're "engaged to be engaged" or whatever. But I think the whole point of that was, Chris wanted to actually propose to her, with a ring. Or at least give her a ring to wear. (She's got it now, I saw it on her b-day; very pretty. Can't remember anything about it, or what cut it is or anything, but I do remember it's very nice). She's already got the dress (she got that before my birthday, & I think sometime before Halloween even, & they're not planning on getting married until March 17th - or 19th - of 2007), and she's very happy. She loves Chris, she's so happy to be with him, and I'm so happy for her. Why didn't I think of this sooner? I remember when she started dating Dylan. God, I even remember when she had a fight with her mom and we "ran away". Her mom thought she shouldn't be so attached to Dylan, that she should see other people, & kept using that stupid "other fish in the sea" analogy. And Kim was so certain that even if there were other fish in the sea, the only fish she wanted was Dylan. She was so sure. I feel like crying. Fuck, I'm scared now. She was saying when she first brought Chris over to meet us that she feels so much more strongly about him than Dylan, and I will say that he is very romantic and very thoughtful of her. Oh, God. What if, 4 years down the road, after they're already married, they decide to break up? It's one thing if you end a relationship after 4 years, but marriage? I have very strong views on divorce - mostly because my parents got one when I was 3 - and I don't want Kim to get divorced. But if they don't have kids, I'm not strictly against it - but I don't want Kim to be... shit, she'll be devastated. Fuck, I'll be devastated! Almost from the word 'Go', it seems like, they've been planning on getting married. Why can't they wait, at least another year, before planning a wedding? We're only 21, when they get married she'll only be 22, & Chris 23 (or 24, I'm not sure how old he is). If they waited another year, she'd still be under 25. Am I just being way too paranoid? I realize, we're all adults, but sometimes (okay, most of the time) I don't feel that way, and Kim may have a nice, respectable career & be almost-graduated from college, but... has she had enough time to party, and now she's ready to settle down? Maybe it's just 'cause I've never had as many friends as she does (hell I don't even know as many people as the friends she has), but it seems like she's always doing something, hanging out with someone. Kim's got a bit of an addictive personality. She clings to her boyfriends, & sort of... adds on or takes off certain things to appeal to them. When she started dating Dylan, she was into smoking pot and cigarettes and went to Catholic church w/ him, liked his music. Now she's dating Chris, & she's converted to his Lutheran church, she's quit smoking (everything) because he was worried about her, she's friends w/ his cousins he's living w/. She's listening to Country music for Christ's sake, which she generally hates w/ a passion (at least when she was dating Dylan, & even times before that). I just don't want her to get hurt. She's my sister, dammit, I can worry about her. I've just got to remember, even if she does get hurt, she'll make it through. We've been through a whole shitload of stuff, her even more than me. Christy's death, Bill's... character coming to light. Having Beverly for a sister. Liz for a mother. If anything happens, she'll make it through, and be stronger for it. I know. But now that the worry is there, the doubt, it's going to sit and gnaw on the edge of my brain, drawing attention to itself at odd moments, when I'm least expecting it. I don't like worrying about things. I'm a fairly laid-back person. But now I'm worried. 4:05 a.m. - 2006-02-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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