eirian84's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ten Sayings to Ten People I found this on someone's livejournal, and I thought it sounded wonderful, not to mention wonderfully cathartic. Honestly, I can't believe I came up with ten people. Of course, I cheated a little... well, sort of. The way rule #1 is worded, I suppose they all apply, depending on how you interpret it. Anyway. This was just for me; I don't expect anyone else to get much out of this entry. 1. List ten things you want to say to people but know you never will. And so, in no particular order: 1. I had a crush on you since 5th grade. I always thought you were so cool, and handsome, and just the perfect guy. You were a total jerk to me most of the time, and sometimes I hated you for that, but I never stopped having feelings for you, and the times you were nice to me, and treated me like a friend, I almost couldn't stand that either. Everyone knew how I felt about you. You probably did, too, but that's okay. I think I'm glad I never got a chance to find out how you would react to my crush. Not-knowing gave me something to over-react and be irrational about, during a time when I felt I was so much more mature than other girls. I hope you're doing well, and whatever you're doing, I hope you're happy. I'll always love you. 2. You are my sister. I can't think of anyone I would rather be related to. I don't think (I'm pretty sure) you don't realize just how much our relationship means to me, or what I would do without it. You say I'm your sister, but I don't know if you really mean it, or if you're just being you. Am I just another one of your friends? Or does our mutual past bond us together like real sisters? I would break if you died, and I would hurt anyone who hurt you. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you. And it frightens me that I'm not exaggerating. 3. You are my best friend. We get into some tremendous fights, but lately it hasn't been that bad (except when one or both of us has had a bad working-day). I love hanging out with you, and I don't want you to ever go away. I love you with all my heart, and I hope you know that, even though I can never bring myself to say it to you. I (literally) don't know what I would have done without you. I worry about you. I wish you would take better care of yourself. Get a different job! Who cares if it pays less, it's better than killing yourself, goddammit! 4. I think about you. Sometimes not often, sometimes all the time. Sometimes I wish you were here. Sometimes I realize that we never would have lasted. I hope you're doing well. Even now I don't know what to say to you, because there's so much to say, and all of it is pointless. I love you, you're stupid, why did you leave, how long would we have stayed together if you had stayed? I miss you. I wish I could get over you. Fuck. 5. Don't hurt her, or I will make sure that you regret it. I've taken lessons over the years, and I can be a very vindictive (not to mention creative) bitch. 6. Sometimes I'm afraid we'll drift apart. I don't know why I worry - even if it's been a couple years since we've spoken last, we fall back into it so easily and comfortably. I'm glad I have someone to tell my fears and insecurities to; someone whom I can show my dark/angsty side, who isn't so close to me that they worry about me, but who is close enough to understand. I'm glad you do the same. We used to pretend we were twins, both with blonde hair & blue eyes. You will always be my sister. You know things about me that, if you hadn't also participated, I would be afraid of blackmail. ^_^ Thank you for accepting me, and my choices in life. I always get nervous when I have to tell you something big about myself, but you've always been nothing but accepting. I must have done something incredible in a past life to deserve someone like you. Thank you. 7. A part of me hopes you go straight to hell. But the darker side of me, the part that quite frankly scares the shit out of me, hopes not only in reincarnation, but that you are reincarnated, and put through what you put your victims through. I am not a spiteful or hateful person; I can honestly say I've never actually hated a person in my life, but I absolutely, unequivocally hate you. I start to shake just thinking of the things you've done, and how it's affected the people I love. I think the only thing stopping me from killing you, is the fact that I would get caught. I'll have to be content in the knowledge that the Universe will make sure you get what you deserve. 8. I wish you were here. I wish you could see your daughter, who is just the most precious, adorable, wonderful child imaginable. Most kids drive me absolutely crazy, but she is perfect. She looks just like you did at that age (I know, I've seen pictures). I know we weren't really that close when you died, but I hope you know that if you ever needed anything that I could provide, I would have. I know you're happy now, but I can't help but wish you were still here. 9. I love talking to you. I wish you didn't switch shifts, but I understand why you did. I'm glad you didn't move away. I love our talks, and there's so much that I never get to say, because the conversation always drifts before I'm finished. But you are absolutely awesome, and I'm so glad I met you. 10. You are the coolest. Sometimes you annoy me, but even then, I just sort of drift, and wait 'til we talk about something else. You always treated me like an adult, even when I most definitely wasn't, but felt like I was. I miss your house, and I miss staying up all night watching movies. Talking for hours (I can't believe how well you related to a 13-year-old girl's problems!). I hope you stop feeling so restless. I hope this new job works out. No matter what anyone else says, I'm glad I have you as a part of my life, your annoying habits, bible-touting conspiracy-theories and all. You are so obsessive, and sometimes scary about that stuff, but I know that there but for the grace of anime go I. Thank you for taking an interest in me - I know you didn't have to. I love you, so much, you'll never know. I hope you're around for my own children, like you are for hers. 12:44 a.m. - 2006-09-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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